Love Is a Divine Mystery
A response to the common pessimism about marriage.
I recently heard of a young couple who were engaged to be married. In getting into the wedding spirit, the bride and her bridesmaids planned to converse with married people about marriage. They spent the day at a romantic destination, a wine farm, and randomly asked couples about their marriages.
The intention was of course to create excitement, however, quite the opposite was achieved. Out of all the couples, there was only one who had anything good to say about marriage. They said that their marriage has flourished when Jesus is at the centre of it.
Everyone else warned the young ladies not to get married so young. They went on about the sorrows of rearing children and something about enjoying life while you can.
The bridal party sought excitement but was met with boredom. They sought congratulations but were met with warnings. They sought adventure, love, and romance. Why didn’t they find it?
As I have never married, I will leave this question to a man who has married twice, Fyodor Dostoevsky, and his haunting novella, Notes from Underground. ‘Underground’ refers to the underground of the human psyche – the dark recesses of our minds. Dostoevsky initially named it “A Confession.”
In the first part, a bitter and lonely man sheds light on his underground – his evil and depraved thoughts. In the second part, we see how these thoughts become his actions.
When Dostoevsky wrote the book, many progressively liberal ideas, such as determinism and utopianism, were spreading through the intellectual circles of Russia. Today, these same ideas continue to infect many circles, including the marriage ring.
The main thrust of the novella is an assault on determinism and utopianism. Determinism is the idea that everything, including human personality and will, can be reduced to the laws of science, and therefore, that everything is ultimately determined by forces external to human will. There is no free will, everything is inevitable, no one is responsible. 1 + 1 = 2.
People nowadays try to do all that they possibly can to determine that their marriage is a utopia. Use dating apps, live together before marriage, have sex before marriage, etc. These are all common efforts to turn marriage into 1 + 1 = 2.
If he doesn’t snore, then he’ll be a dream husband. If he has been intimate with many women, then he’ll be intimate with me. If she knows how to get the attention of men, then she’ll be a dream wife.1
Dostoevsky firstly critiques determinism for attempting to quash free will: ‘Everything will be so exactly calculated and explained that there won’t be any more initiatives or adventures in the world.’
Our free will is inextricably linked to adventure, excitement, and romance - all of which are beautiful and elevated ideas that humans fundamentally need. He says, ‘What is man without his passion, without will and without desire, if not a stop in an organ pipe.’
Determinism is an audacious idea… ‘But a man is so prone to systems and abstract conclusions that he is prepared to distort the truth on purpose, prepared to deny the visible and the audible just so he can justify his own logic.’
Dostoevsky then attacks utopianism, mainly because it attempts to remove suffering, when, as he argues, suffering can sometimes be needed for happiness. Removing suffering can also remove freedom, and it is freedom that humans truly need (more than happiness). He says, ‘Maybe suffering is equally advantageous to him as well-being… Suffering well, it is the sole determinant of consciousness.’
Furthermore, at a psychological level, humans will always rebel against artificial and utopian paradises - because of our irrationality. Take Adam and Eve for example. Take you for example.
Determinism and utopianism are straw castles. They tragically remove responsibility. They ignore the basic human need for adventure, excitement, unpredictability, and even certain levels of chaos… ‘So there it is – there it is at last – an encounter with real life.’
Humans, most of all with love, do not want absolute certainty. We do not want a 3D printer to make our perfect spouse. That is boring. That is not romantic. That is not love.
Marriage is not a utopia, and thank God that it isn’t, as it has been shown that the best marriages have a certain degree of tension. We don’t like doing things that are too easy.
In the novella, there is a scene where the protagonist, the underground man, promotes marriage to a prostitute…
“But there’s another thing, Liza: man only loves to count his woes, and never counts his happinesses. But if he counted them as he should then he would see that there is enough of each reserved for him.
Well, and what if everything goes well for the family, God blesses it, the husband turns out to be good, loves you, cherishes you, doesn’t leave you! Good to be in that family! Even when its sometimes mixed with grief, it’s good; is there anywhere, after all, where woe is absent? You will, maybe, get married, and then you’ll see for yourself.
And, at least in the very first part of marriage to the one you love, there is happiness, how much happiness sometimes! It’s nearly always that way. In the early days, even arguments with your husband end well.
And how good is it to make peace after a fight, to recognise her errors or to forgive him! And how good is it for both, how good it suddenly becomes, just as if they were first meeting again, marrying again; love begins anew between them.
And no one, no one should know what happens between a husband and wife if they love each other. And whatever quarrels emerge between them, they shouldn’t even call on their own mothers to judge it or tell things about each other to others. They themselves are the judges.
Love is a divine mystery and it should be closed from the eyes of all others, whatever happens in it. It is more sacred this way, and better. They respect each other more and much is based on respect.
And if there was once love, if they married in love then why should it pass? Should it not be sustained? It’s a rare incidence when it can’t be sustained. Well, and if the husband is a kind and honest man, then how can love pass? The initial love of marriage will pass, it’s true, but then an even better love comes along. Then they unite in soul, all their dealings have common dealings; there won’t be any secrets from each other.
And children will come, and then even the most difficult of times will seem happy, as long as they love and are brave. Then even work is a joy; then even when you sometimes forego bread for the sake of your children it will also be a joy. Indeed, they will love you for it afterwards; you are, that means, accumulating.
The children grow, and you feel that you are an example to them, that you are their support; that you will die and they will carry your thoughts and feelings on themselves, since they received them from you; they will take on your image and likeness.
And so, it is a great duty. How could a father and a mother not unite in this? They say, rightly, that having children is hard. Who says this? It is a heavenly happiness! Do you like little children, Liza? I like them awfully. You know, when a little pink baby boy suckles at your breast, which husband’s heart doesn’t turn towards his wife when looking upon her sitting there with his child? The little baby is pink, chubby, it sprawls out, luxuriates; juicy little hands and little feet, clean little nails, tiny, so tiny, that it’s funny to look at them, and little eyes which seem to understand everything.
Yes, is that not a happiness when the three of them, husband, wife, and child, are together? Much can be forgiven for the sake of such moments. No, Liza, one must first learn oneself how to live, and only then blame others!”
After beautifully saying this to Liza, the underground man, out of pride, later takes it all back. It was a moment of truth and inspiration, but ultimately, his underground prevails.
The underground man is a ‘little coward to his depths.’ He takes pride in his diseases. He enjoys the pleasure of despair, and he is intoxicated by spite. He keeps count out of habit. His laziness is the mother of all vices. For him, love means to tyrannise and to morally dominate. He is a despot in his soul. The underground man’s only virtue is in confessing all this.
Dostoevsky asks all of us: ‘Can one be completely open with oneself and not fear the whole truth?’ Marriages remain dark because people will not venture into their undergrounds. They fear the foul truth. Can one be completely open with one’s spouse? Can you tell her everything?
The underground man answers: ‘It’s not just that you won’t remake yourself, you simply won’t do anything at all… And for what, one wonders, have you spoiled your life?’
Dostoevsky teaches that thoughts become actions. Worldviews become worlds. He says, ‘Habit counts for a lot. The devil knows what habit will make of a person.’ Habit largely means mental habits.
The story ends by touching on something that corrupts all human institutions, our mother tongue, sin. Dostoevsky says that we are ‘estranged from what is alive… We are all unused to living, we are all crippled, each one of us more or less.’
We are crippled, and on top of that, we are lost without a compass… ‘Why are we fickle, what are we looking for? We ourselves don’t know what… Man only does mischiefs because he doesn't know his real interests.’
And this is where the couple from the romantic wine farm comes in. I could’ve ended this after their words “Keep Christ at the centre of your marriage.”
Jesus has put torches in our undergrounds. He has dug great tunnels, and He is mining.
After being crucified, Christ went three days and three nights in the heart of the earth.2 He went and preached to the spirits in prison.3 He descended to the lower, earthly regions. He who descended is the very one who ascended higher than all the heavens, in order to fill the whole universe.4
Jesus shows us how to live. He shows the cripples where to run, where to fly.
Jesus and His word are the only chance that we have at a romantic marriage. He is our only chance to experience all that is beautiful and elevated.
‘Together we would have really lived!’
Of course, many of these kinds of efforts are good and necessary, as they are a part of the natural courting process (except for the absurd ones), but I argue that it has gone too far.
Matthew 12:40
1 Peter 3:19-20
Ephesians 4:9-11